ATF Saga Part 4: Excel Saga
part 2
“So, Hat-chan, what do you think we should do to amuse ourselves while Lord Il Palazzo sends us reinforcements to completely take over this building for the forces of ACROSS?” Excel asked, spinning aimlessly around Anime 316’s office where they had ensconced themselves after completing Lord Il Palazzo’s directive to take over the building belonging to the ignorant citizens of the city.
“Well, Senior, it would be prudent to tighten our control of the building by searching for any possible security measures and activating them, the better to keep the populace under control until reinforcements arrive from headquarters,” Hyatt said quietly, pointing to the large red button with “WARNING: DO NOT TOUCH” printed below it.
“Yeah! That’s a great idea Hat-chan and I think we should start by stupidly pushing this button even though we have no idea what it does and pushing it could do something like make the whole place self-destruct BUT WHO CARES?!” she exclaimed, slamming the button down with her fist. There was a moment of silence, then Excel said, “It must not do anything. What a cheap gag!”
“Umm, Senior, look…” Hyatt pointed to the windows of the office, which were rapidly being covered by steel security shutters. “I think we must have activated the main security system.”
“So… you mean…” Excel blinked in confusion. “You mean that I did something RIGHT, Hat-chan?”
“So it would seem, Senior,” Hyatt said, clapping her hands softly.
“ALL RIGHT! I’m on a roll now, baby!” Excel exclaimed, twirling her way over to a panel in the wall which had recessed when the main security button had been pushed.
“Code Red, initiating ATF security protocol 3447,” announced a female voice from the loudspeakers all over the ATF building. “Initiating total lockdown sequence. Entire building will be secure in thirty seconds. Please move away from the designated security door areas and follow the established plan for your section to the nearest safe zone. Do not go out into the halls as full security measures will be in effect. Thank you and have a pleasant day.”
“Since Excel managed to succeed by blindly pushing buttons, she’ll do it again over here! Hey, wait a minute…” Excel said as she examined the wall full of buttons with the “TRAP!” label at the top. “This reminds Excel of something that she’s seen before! Oh yes! Excel remembers!” she exclaimed, cupping her fist in her hand. “The writer must have lifted one of the cheap gags from the anime and placed it right here with no attempt at creativity or innovation whatsoever! That means… EXCEL ALREADY KNOWS WHAT THESE BUTTONS DO!!”
“Senior, don’t forget what happened last time you guessed blindly,” Hyatt warned, halfway standing up and pushing the chair back. “Maybe some caution should be exercised when pushing the buttons…?”
“Oh no! Stay back!” Excel growled, covering the board of buttons and nuzzling it. “Every time YOU push a button something bad happens to Excel! So Excel will do all of the random button-pushing this time, got it?” She slammed a fist down on one random button.
The floor beneath Excel’s feet began to act like quicksand, pulling her down into the floor. ”AHHHHH HAT-CHAN HELPHELPHELPHELP DON’T LEAVE EXCEL HERE TO DIE!!” Excel yelled and hollered loudly until she had sunk into the floor up to her waist, then the floor solidified around her once again. “Ahhh… never mind the part about dying, Hat-chan, but help would still be nice…” Excel flailed about with her arms, accidentally striking Hyatt in the leg as she walked over, and watching the other girl collapse with blood trickling from her mouth. “NOT NOW HAT-CHAN - ? What’s that I feel… Hey! Let go of Excel’s legs!”
Beneath Excel, in a small chamber specially designed for the purpose, her legs stopped their wild swinging as two robotic arms with shackles clasped her ankles, holding them still, a remarkable feat for Excel. They then did nothing else, letting Excel struggle and wriggle for some time until she had tired herself out. “Excel is… tired…” she panted, vainly trying to reach up towards the switchboard. When she had stopped struggling, the shackles loosened their grip slightly, allowing a new pair of finely articulated robotic hands to grip the tips of her boots and begin sliding them off.
“Oh geez… Excel has this sudden sense of foreboding and she has a feeling something very bad is going to happen soon… HAT-CHAN!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET UP AND HELP ME!!!”
*Generic moment of silence*
…Excuse me.
-ASIDE-
*Jaynin punts Chibi*
-END ASIDE-
Returning to the story…
Excel felt the grip on her ankles tighten up again and as they did so, a mass of fine featherlike tentacles sprouted beneath her bare feet and began to wriggle and dance along her soles. “AND HERE WE GO AGAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAIN!!!” Excel shrieked, finding a second wind and wildly pounding her arms on the floor and walls about her. “NA NA NAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAH STOP STAHHAHAHAHAHP DON’T TICKLE EXCEL!! HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHEHEHEE NAAHHAHAHAHA!!!” Her waist, stuck in the floor, quivered and wiggled madly with laughter and the frantic energy that moved her arms soon turned to jelly.
“HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA HAHAAHAHHA NO STAHAHAHHAP EXCEL IS TICKLISH!!!! HEHEHEHEEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHA WHEN YOU TICKLE EXCEL SHE CAN’T STOP LAUGHING!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHHAHAAH ALTHOUGH SHE KNOWS THIS IS SOME CHEAP PLAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAH PLAN BY THE AUTHOR, EXCEL IS A LITTLE HAHAHAHAHEEHEHHEEHEH TOO TIRED TO COMPLAIAHAHAHAAAAIN!!!”
The wriggling feathery tentacles swept up and down Excel’s feet, which were well-toned from the frantic running and antics she frequently engaged in. In addition some of the feathery tips poked up in between Excel’s toes brushing along the underside and wriggling in between. Excel went totally red in the face from laughing so hard and felt her upper body start to lose form and flop limply facedown on the floor.
Still, the firm grip on Excel’s legs prevented them from going insubstantial with the rest of her and her feet remained motionless and helpless above the gently brushing and waving tips of the feathery tentacles.
“HAT-CHAAAAAN!! HELP MEHEEHEHEHE!! PUSH A BUTTON ALREADY!!! WAIT, ON SECOND THOUGHT, DON’T PUSH ANY BUTTONS!!!”
“Sorry, Senior… too late I’m afraid,” Hyatt said slowly, depressing the button her finger had held down.
Down in the lobby, Jaynin hauled himself out of a pit, soaking wet, and rested on the edge, panting. “All right…” he panted. “Which wise guy… did the wiring… for this place?”
A large neon sign reading “GENERIC LARGE NEON POINTY SIGN” with a small caption underneath reading “This ah ah emu message has been brought to you by captin emu n_n” fell from the ceiling and pointed a large neon arrow at Carrotsama, who was busy trying to look inconspicuous.
“What?” he said, trying to look nonchalant. “There’s no way I could have concentrated with all the girls walking around… there’s bound to be a few errors in the wiring…”
“Then I suggest you go fix them, and while you’re at it figure out a way to disable the security lockdown, Jaynin said, somehow completely dried off in the five seconds or so it had taken for the camera to shift to Carrotsama and back.
Carrotsama heaved a much-put-upon sigh and walked off, popping open a maintenance duct and crawling inside.
“Now that
I’ve taken care of the preplanned gag,” Jaynin mused, “I can work on
trying to
figure out how to get the
“Foul humans… trust themt o make an evil treacherus device liket hat…” Across the lobby, a scowling AW tromped back and forth, hissing to himself demonically. “Rrrgh… humankind cannot b trusted… when the ymake devices suchas…” In mid-pace he stopped and threw back his head, yelling, “SNACK MACHINEST HAT EAT YORU QUARTERS!!!”
Stalking over to the vending machine AW began to furiously shake and pound on the machine. “I DEMAND MYP EANUT BUTTER CRACKERS! GIVE ME MY MONEY YO ULOATHSOME DEVICE!”
“Oh dear… Oh, the angst… *sigh*” Gloob muttered as he stood in a corner. “The beautiful angst of mechas… well a vending machine counts as a mecha… probably not -.-;” He looked over at Jaynin and said, “You need some better plot… I mean this is just jumping around pointless comedy… and your grammar… ugh >.<”
“…Okay… neither of them either… maybe I should go ask Liger and Bridge.” Jaynin headed for the elevator, then sighed and changed direction to head for the stairs.
Meanwhile, Bridge was ignoring Chibi and Liger’s Bridge jokes and busily making a tower of cards on his “writing” desk. “Thank God for soundproofing.”
Suddenly the intercom in Bridge’s office went off. “ATF Protocol 4479 activated. ATF Protocol 4479: Writer Work Stimulation sequence.”
“Work? Surely you jest,” Bridge said coolly back at the voice, which couldn’t hear him anyway. “Bridge does no work. He sits in his office all day and pretends to write while playing solitaire or doing other pointless things.”
“ATF Protocol 4479 engaged. Please stand by.” There was a click from the loudspeaker.
“There isn’t anything you can do to make me work,” Bridge said, placing another card. His head rose fractionally as he heard his door lock click shut.
A calm, female voice began to speak on Bridge’s intercom. “Rewrites… rewrites…rewrites…rewrites…rewrites…”
“GAH!” Trying to cover his ears Bridge bolted for the door, then realized he was locked in and turned with a look of horror on his face to see the intercom with its slow, hypnotizing, deceptively calm voice…
“Rewrites…rewrites…rewrites…”
“GAH!!!!”
Jaynin went up the stairwell which was lit by lurid red emergency lighting, with all windows or other openings to the outside sealed firmly shut with security plating. It made for a rather stifling trip upstairs, especially when it was seven whole floors to walk. Panting, he opened the door and finally emerged onto the floor with his office, and emerged into a scene of utter chaos.
“Do you know what it is, Hyatt?” Excel Kobiyashi asked, huddling against the other girl and looking around frantically.
“I have no idea! And frankly, Excel, I don’t even know how we got into this place! Do you think maybe our agent gave us the wrong directions?” Mikado Hyatt replied as she, too, tried to scan all directions at once. The fact that the pair of them were standing in the middle of a cross corridor was not helping their cause in the slightest, and the lurid red emergency lighting was perfectly conducive to a panic feeling.
“EEEK!!! HEHEEHEHEEEHEHEE THERE IT IS AGAIN!!” Excel Kobiyashi shrieked, stumbling sideways and slamming Mikado Hyatt into a wall.
Slightly confused, Jaynin hid around a corner and watched the odd spectacle. Slowly, both girls’ breathing steadied and they walked back out into the cross corridor, peering down every hall and… suddenly Jaynin saw the air ripple slightly behind Mikado Hyatt, who suddenly shrieked with laughter and doubled over, clutching her sides. “Hat-chaAHAHAHAHAHAAN!!” Excel Kobiyashi fell over, scooting backwards on her rear and holding her hands under her arms.
For the next minute the girls looked around wildly and hugged each other as they whimpered. “D-do you think, Excel, that maybe we’re on one of those hidden camera TV shows…? This could be a publicity stunt…”
“Hey, yeah!!” Excel Kobiyashi explained, then said in a stage whisper, “We had better act properly frightened. The directors might not like it if we’re not properly afraid.”
At once the two separated, though wearing hugely exaggerated expressions of fear and overly loud whimpers. “What is that, Hat-chan?” Excel Kobiyashi said over-loudly. “Do you think that maybe this place is haunted?”
“I bet it is, Excel!” Mikado Hyatt replied. “Two young beautiful girls stuck in a building haunted with evil spirits! Oh, whatever are we to doHOHOHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” Mikado Hyatt squealed with giggles, slapping at her own sides. Right on cue Excel Kobiyashi followed, she apparently grappling with whoever was tickling her sides, as it was clear even from a distance that her fingers were prying at something that was attached to her sides.
“AHHAHAHAH AHAHAHA HAHAHAH AHAHH HEHEHEEHEH HATCHAN HELP!!! HEHEHEEHEHE!!!” Mikado Hyatt responded with a frightened scream and a reflexive kick that apparently connected with thin air.
There was a moment of silence, then a stifled groan of pain emitted out of nowhere. This time the scream of horror from both girls was real, and they knelt on the floor hugging each other, whimpering and crying waterfall tears. Jaynin knew that their fear was unfounded; the ripple of air seemed to be making its way down the hall, towards him. As it rounded the corner, Jaynin spoke: “Have fun?”
“That… HURT…” groaned a voice, and the ripple of air seemed to fold in on itself a little, becoming smaller. “I thought I couldn’t be attacked while cloaked…”
“Maybe they have detectors,” Jaynin replied with a smirk as he rounded the corner. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of them.” Both girls shrank back from him as he approached, so Jaynin put on his most winning smile. “Don’t worry, you two, I’m here to help.”
“Oh! Our savior! Knight in shining armor!” they cried in unison, overly dramatic.
“Er… right. Look, I can tell you how to get out of here. Down that way is the emergency stairwell. Take that down to the third floor and then find either Kahoshiden or Sakie Shiva.” With profuse giggling and many thanks, the two girls darted off for the stairwell.
“That was mean,” rumbled the voice, laughing quietly. Zeratul86 hobbled back over towards Jaynin, still seemingly holding himself, but in a better mood.
“They were noisy,” Jaynin replied. “Aren’t you going to go down after them and watch the fun?”
“In a bit, after I… recover. >.>” With that, Zeratul limped off down a different corridor. As soon as he was gone, a door nearby creaked open slowly.
“Oh hello Jaynin,” FF7 said as he peeked out from his office, slowly sweeping his gaze along the halls. “I see those noisy girls are finally gone...?”
“How long were they at it?” Jaynin asked curiously.
“For about fifteen minutes. _ _; I was about to come out and cast a Mute spell on them. I couldn’t concentrate on writing with that racket…”
“Oh? And what are you writing now?”
“*shrug* Just something else that no one’s heard of. ^^; I’d better get back to writing. Cya Jaynin.” FF7 began to close the door.
“Hey, wait
a minute!” FF7 stopped halfway, waiting silently. “Do you have any
ideas as to
how we can get the
“Shame on you Jaynin, you should know that of all people. Obviously they’re in the Administrator/Moderator area…” With that, FF7 closed the door to his office again.
“Oh, duh… how come I didn’t think of that?” Sighing and casting a glance at the stairwell, Jaynin walked back over to it and opened the door, then started climbing the stairs again.
Meanwhile…
“I didn’t know he’d take the jokes so bad,” Liger said, a bit wide-eyed.
“=O I guess Bridge dosent like um that much,” Chibi replied. They had both retreated a bit and were now listening to the incoherent screaming and pounding of Bridge inside of his office. “Maybe it was the one about the golden gate lmfao – “
“Shh! =O Look,” Liger said, pointing down the hallway.
The camera zoomed in for a till – “STOP THAT!” Matsuya growled, yanking the camera to her face and making it skip the till over her body, now clothed in nothing more than a bikini. “It’s bad enough that I have to put up with your cheesy plots and blatantly obvious fanservice. You’re not impressing anyone.”
“Schweet,” Liger said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a white rose. Closing his eyes, he began to concentrate.
“O_-“ Chibi replied. “Ah! Ah! Emu!”
“Oh shut up. *slaps*” Liger turned back to his white rose and grinned as Matsuya stopped at the cross corridor ahead.
“If I find out that there are any hidden cameras, I’m coming for your head,” Matsuya commented to the writer as she glanced up and down the halls. Of course, since the writer has the ability to godmod, this should not be a problem. “Oh, you bastard - ? What’s that…? Hey! You!” Matsuya cried, thrusting a finger at Liger. “You! Tell me the nearest exit for this place or else –“
Liger opened his eyes. “Hurricane of the Roses!” The hallway filled suddenly with soft white rose petals, blowing about on a gentle stream of wind. Matsuya only had time for a surprised gasp before the petals brushed against her exposed skin, making her giggle and nearly fall to the ground squirming.
Chibi yawned. “Your such a godmodder liger =O” he said, leaning against the wall.
“Shh,” Liger replied. “This is cool. Heh heh.” He glanced down at the giggling Matsuya who was trying to fight her way down the hall against the gentle brushing of the rose petals.
“If she gets through um shes gunna kick j00r ass =O” Chibi said next, also glancing down the hall.
“She won’t,” Liger said, also turning back down the hall, face-to-face with Matsuya. “Oh, shit.”
WHAP!
“n_n’ exits through those doors and downstairs on the first floor,” Chibi told Matsuya, who currently had a hold on his shirt collar after slapping Liger into the far wall, leaving a rapidly healing furrow in the floor. Matsuya dropped him and headed into the stairwell. Chibi then walked over to Liger and with an expression of mock surprise said, “owned n_n”
“Go figure… stupid Admin/Mod floor…” Jaynin grumbled, descending the final staircase to the door. “How am I supposed to know… it was the sixth floor… bah… making me walk all the way up to the top and back down again…” Grumbling, Jaynin inputted the passcode on the lock next to the door, which beeped an affirmative and allowed the door to swing open.
The hall
beyond the door was silent, lit by red emergency lights like everywhere
else,
clean but obviously ill-used. There was only one door, at the far end
of the
hall. The name on the door said, obviously, “Anime
“All right, that’s… enough of your… hijinks…” Jaynin sweatdropped as he entered the office.
“Ahh… Excel feels like… her legs have turned to jelly…” she moaned with swirly eyes as her upper body leaned limply over, still stuck in the floor.
“Should I try pushing another button yet, Senior?” Hyatt asked.
“NO!” Excel wailed, pushing at the floor and trying to pull herself free. “Like Excel says, every time Hat-chan pushes a button, something bad happens to Excel! No more buttons!”
“Ok, that’s it, you two,” Jaynin said more sternly, walking into the office. “You’ve had your fun. But it’s over now, and – “
“HA HA!” With a loud and triumphant crash, Iwata burst through the floor, wearing his Ditenzen combat suit.
“Now hold on just a minute!” Watanabe yelled, poking his head up through the floor with Sumiyoshi. Sumiyoshi tried to say something but because Ezboard didn’t support Japanese text, he was reduced to floating blocks of nothingness floating over his head. “This is completely ridiculous! We didn’t have these suits at the beginning of the episode! Why? Why have them now?”
Wait! Wait, hold it. The writer apologizes for the sudden scene shift, but there was a scene he wanted to put in and just remembered. So…
Down in the lobby, the bikini-clad Matsuya emerged from the stairwell door and spotted the exit, which was, unfortunately for her, barred with steel security shutters. “Oh this is just great. This is low, even by your standards,” she snarled.
Ah, but the writer points out that there is a highly plausible excuse for the doors being barred, which took place approximately seven pages ago. So there. And in addition, the writer is tired of all this backtalk and complaining. So therefore…
The vending
machine which AW had been thrashing suddenly sprang to life, with the glass front flying out and the contents
spraying everywhere to make room for the robotic arms which suddenly
burst
forth from inside, aiming for Matsuya. “SWEET! MYP EANUT
“What’s all the racket – “ Abadon asked as he came out of the bathroom, then was promptly KO’d by a flying Rice Krispies Treat.
“Oh dear…” Gloob sighed. “I thought it couldn’t get any worse… Jaynin, if you can hear me, you really need to make this plot continuous… -.-;;” He then examined the scene before him in which Matsuya was relentlessly tickled by the robotic arms. “Maybe that vending machine really was a mecha… I suppose that improves the plot a little. Now we need some angst…”
Now that the writer has managed to toss in a few more cheap gags and some more fanservice with Matsuya, he can return to concluding this story…
“Got any twos?” Jaynin asked Hyatt.
“Go fish!” she replied with a giggle.
…*ahem*
“Oh, er, sorry,” Iwata said, getting back into position. He cleared his throat. “HA HA! It doesn’t matter, for the mighty Iwata always has the powers that he needs to save the day!”
“You damn crazy bastard – Oh! Miss Iyasugi!” Watanabe exclaimed, clobbering Sumiyoshi as he ran over to hold her hands.
“Mr. Watanabe…” Hyatt said slowly. “It is a surprise to find you in a place such as this.”
“W-well yeah, I mean… I was wondering that too… er… I mean… do you want to go on a date with me?!”
“Sure.” Hyatt closed her eyes and smiled.
“What! No fair! How come the lame Watanabe gets to score while I’m left being beaten up left and right by Matsuya and for that matter almost every single pretty girl that I have the misfortune to see?”
“Maybe it’s because you’re a conceited bastard!” Watanabe shouted at him as Sumiyoshi’s expressionless blocks floated sadly up from the hole in the floor.
“Hey, hey, stop ignoring me!” Jaynin yelled. “None of you are supposed to be here! Out! Get out! This is just too stupid anymore!”
“Don’t leave Excel behind Hat-chan!! DON’T LEAVE ME HERE PLEASE!!!!! HELP ME!!”
“In this case, there’s only ONE MORE THING that can be done!” Iwata proclaimed, standing atop Anime 3:16’s desk in a triumphant pose. “SOME KIND OF AWESOME ATTACK!”
*Generic massive building-destroying explosion*
…
…
…
…
-Reset!-
Jaynin
walked into the
“
“Excel, do shut up, it’s not our turn to be onscreen!”
The Great Will of the Macrocosm sighed in exasperation.
…
…
…
Oh, forget it.
*save*
*select all*
*copy*
*new topic*
*paste*
Today’s
Today’s Story…….Psychopathic
Today’s Spanish Final….Easy
Today’s Weather….Hot, with a chance of thundershowers
Today’s
Date……...Monday, May 10th, 2004
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